Mr. Webb: 0:00

Ever wondered how to raise resilient kids, even through life's toughest challenges, curious about the one thing you might be saying that could undermine your credibility with your children? Want to know the secret ingredient for forging stronger connections with kids in today's complex world? Welcome to The Conservative Classroom, where we're teaching the truth and preserving our values. I'm your host, Mr. Webb, and I'm glad you're here. This podcast is a haven for conservative educators, parents and patriots like you, who believe in the importance of free speech, traditional values and education without indoctrination. Each week, we dive into issues that are plaguing our education system and keeping you up at night. In each episode, we offer common sense ideas to improve education in our classrooms and communities. You may feel like you're the last conservative educator or parent, but I want you to know that you are not alone. By the way, if you like what you hear today, please share this podcast with a like-minded educator, parent or patriot. Together, we can teach the truth and preserve our values.

Mr. Webb: 1:21

In today's episode, we'll gain insight into what we can do at home and in the classroom to foster happiness, resilience and self-confidence in children. We'll be talking to an author, homeschooler and dad of six children, including a special needs child, about his life, his experience and his book. Now let's get started. Today I'm excited to welcome a special guest to the conservative classroom, mr Jerry Bures. Jerry is author of "hen Kids Leave Clues and founder of the Institute for Confident Parenting. Jerry, thank you for joining us. You're welcome, julie. To start, can you tell us a bit about yourself, your background and what led you to founding the Institute for Confident Parenting? Sure?

Jerry Bures: 2:18

Sure. So my wife and I have a pretty storied history of medical challenges within our family. So I am a father of six and I met my wife when my son was about two and a half years old, or when her son was about two and a half years old. And then we had then, at about a year or so into it, we actually lost twin girls to a complicated pregnancy, and so we kind of got off to a rocky start and we felt like, oh boy, this is not a good sign, right, and I think most parents go through that sort of thing. Things can get a little bit scary or worrisome at times and then we think, okay, what next is going to go wrong, right? So with our history though we dealt with it largely through both of us pulling from our past, growing up with our parents, we both had also storied histories with our families, meaning our parents were authoritarian, and so we had to overcome some of those kinds of challenges kids usually do when you have like overbearing parents. Now, granted, our parents did a lot of things right, and we had to learn to accept the things they showed us that were great and discard the rest. So with that, as we continued, our family, our next son that we had.

Jerry Bures: 3:38

He came out with sleep apnea or he had some apnea spells right away. He turned blue instantly. They had to risk him away from my wife and they had to basically get him breathing again and finally they did. They brought him back in and then he seemed to have a normal going at it right after that until about four months old or so when he started to start losing kind of gains he had made and over time he had more delays and more delays and he wasn't walking after a year and some. And finally they diagnosed him at about a year and a half with with cerebral palsy. And again that was kind of just a sign of things to come for him, because around the age of seven he took a fall in our driveway. He had actually learned to walk after some other kinds of alternatives and he had actually taken a fall in the driveway and it triggered dystonia in his body and if people remember, michael J Fox had dystonia underlying with his Parkinson's diagnosis and basically it's a muscle disorder.

Jerry Bures: 4:48

And so then two years after that he suddenly developed a life threatening and voluntary mixed movement disorder and the doctors had no idea how it came about.

Jerry Bures: 4:57

They suggested maybe a virus attacked his brain.

Jerry Bures: 5:03

We would learn years later he was one of the rare complicated disorders through a genetics testing and they called it the GNA 01 gene mutation, and so once we finally had some idea of what it was, they were able to learn better how to handle it. But all this time we were having four more children right behind him and they were basically roughly 15 to 18 years old, and they were basically roughly 15 to 18 months between each of them, just to give you a time frame of how young these other kids were. And so what happened was is every time our son with the movement disorder got some sort of trigger, like an illness or something, it would set off involuntary movements that he couldn't control. So we had to literally call the ambulance every time they come to our driveway and they would take him away to the local hospital where they would shut down his movements or get it started shut down, and then they would transport him to our specialty hospital, which we was about two hours away, where they were literally managing his complex care.

Mr. Webb: 6:08

Oh, my goodness, how many times did you have to do that?

Jerry Bures: 6:13

It was about a 10 year period, from about an age of 8 to 18. And it was dozens of times. So here's these other four kids growing up, with all this going on, and one of the questions that always kind of was in the back of my head was how are our kids not messed up? Because you can imagine right, my wife and I we barely felt like we were holding it together. I think it's never as bad as we seem and that's probably our lesson number one for parents. I don't think kids do see the things we do and they'll pick up traits from us and they'll hear things we don't expect to hear.

Jerry Bures: 6:51

But when things are really bad, kids are more tuned in to want to say the spiritual world, where they kind of have a better feel for how things are going to go and that things won't be so bad.

Jerry Bures: 7:02

In fact, one of the evidences for that and one of the inspirations for my book was that kids will leave us clues about different things if we just pay attention. And one of the things I vividly remember is, every time my wife went to the hospital with my son in the ambulance, one of my daughters and one of my sons would be on a porch waving goodbye and they'd always be waving goodbye to the ambulance and Jonah and say, hey, jonah, we know you'll get better and we look forward to seeing you soon. And so they're always so optimistic and positive. Like you know, kids usually are right, and that's just one indication that our kids constantly are teaching us things about life that we've got to start paying attention more so. And it begs the question, right, are we supposed to be sending kids to school even, or are we supposed to be being schooled so Well?

Mr. Webb: 7:55

you guys went through a lot in a short period of time.

Jerry Bures: 8:00

Yeah, and that was kind of the impetus for me finally deciding a little while ago not just to write the book on ways kids can leave us clues about life and inspires about life, but to start the Institute for Confidence and Parenting, where parents need to really start to understand this, that it doesn't matter how much crises you go through, how many challenges you have, there are ways to get through it. We don't have to do it perfectly, but there are ways to get through it, and you know. And then I wanted to inspire parents to realize that not only can you be confident your kids are going to turn out if you do a certain number of things well enough, often enough, but you'll enjoy the process too. And I think that was the big thing for me. I never really had a loving, fond relationship with my dad, and it really bothered me as a young man and in fact I remember as the age of 14-ish somewhere in there, that I had promised myself, after some big fallout with my dad at that time, that you know, I looked around and I saw all my friends. It seemed like I had all these friends with great relationships with both their dads and their grandpas.

Jerry Bures: 9:11

And here I am like just frustrated and angry and all these kinds of feelings teens can have about parents who just don't get you right.

Jerry Bures: 9:22

And I said to myself I'm going to do it different, I'm going to enjoy my kids. And at 14 years old, how does a person really know that that's really what they're going to do, right? You don't. You're just longing for it. So it's some intuition or begging in your soul that that's what you want. And sure as heck, with all my experiences and even with my own struggles as a young adult coming to grips with, you know, some self-destructive behaviors that resulted, obviously from my family of origin issues and taking care of them, with some counseling a wonderful counselor at the time and, of course, a lot of personal development type stuff that I did on my own. And again in my book I show these kinds of things that will help parents to gain that confidence and to help help us fix ourselves. First of all, if we've got some challenges we're trying to overcome because, frankly, we need to be there in our best self if we expect our kids, if we expect to build better kids.

Mr. Webb: 10:19

So what would your 14 year old self say If he knew that you would write a book on parenting and found the Institute for Confident Parenting?

Jerry Bures: 10:34

Hmm, that's a great question. I think ultimately, my 14-year-old self would probably say let's all take a deep breath because really, our moments you know what we determine, or what we decide or what we act on in that moment is going to determine what we do in the future, and that was a lesson I had yet to learn at 14. But again, if I could go back and know what I did then I definitely would have handled some things differently. And, of course, one of the first things and reason for chapter one of my book I put the idea of self-care front and center. And you know I get so much pushback from parents that say that you know, but there's just not any time in the day left for me and while I can appreciate it, it feels like that at almost every moment of the day. I'm suggesting that you have to figure out a way, because the idea is, if you can figure out a way, you literally will save time, you'll save energy and emotion and you'll save yourself so much going forward when you figure that out and I get some ideas in there I think number one is to help handle that.

Jerry Bures: 11:50

Number one is let's stop this notion that we have to be perfect for our kids. You know and think that. You know, our kids already think we're God. Right, they come out of the gates thinking that we're God and we get those kinds of impressions all the time, the way they want to mimic us. You know, little Jimmy wants to fish like his dad, or little Joey wants to help him build that, build the engine and build stuff, kind of thing. You know.

Jerry Bures: 12:20

So we get those notions that kids really think we're God at the beginning of it. We're not just about this idea, this unreasonable expectation that they are expecting us to be perfect, because what it does to us and our kids is a travesty. For example, when we feel like we have to be perfect, okay, and whenever we aren't, our kids get so frustrated because we push that perfection onto them. And kids can't be perfect. They're not supposed to be perfect. They're supposed to make mistakes, they're supposed to try again and they're supposed to remedy their mistakes after they try that again and again and again. And so really, the idea of getting rid of perfection and, in fact, celebrating the idea of trying, of making mistakes and trying to resolve those mistakes that's where one of the keys is to really is to helping ourselves get better at self-care and finding time for ourselves.

Mr. Webb: 13:15

You definitely have lots of great ideas and great advice for parents. I can tell that already very early on in our conversation here. But what came first? The book when Kids Leave Clues or the Institute for Confident Parenting?

Jerry Bures: 13:33

Yeah, it was the book. I mean, I always dreamed of being a writer, so I really had writing on my mind. Actually, I did some marketing writing earlier, actually. So when our son's condition got really bad and our kids were a little older and I was really needed on the home front and my work was actually downsizing, he offered me to work at home and I finally pulled the plug and said, no, I'm just going to quit. And so I decided to learn some how to write marketing materials, and so I wrote for a while at home, and since a child in fact I've got a ton of my elementary school writing projects in my bin here at home and I just love the idea of writing. And so I started when I got the idea that my kids had actually served me very well through all this crisis we were going through by leaving me clues on how to raise them better. That's where I got the idea about writing a book, and so the title was pretty easy to come by, and all of the stories that lead each chapter aren't real life stories. They are illustrations that I found.

Jerry Bures: 14:35

But then I do go through some analysis, some really good analysis and actually some ideas that I can give parents on how to apply that in their lives. It is a book about character traits. I find that when people elevate their character in life, that's when outcomes improve and that's what most of us long for. Right. We all want better outcomes, whether it's finances or relationships, especially relationships with our kids, whether we want our kids to turn out. I can assure you, if you apply or if you hold near dear to your hearts character traits like the ones I mentioned in my book and there's tons more out there, of course that will improve your outcomes alone. So people really need to focus on that. But it was definitely the book that I did first, and it was actually towards the end of the book as far as a manuscript.

Jerry Bures: 15:30

I was writing when I realized, hey, why don't I just make this further? I've got my wife and I have enough real life example to say you know if we can do this without our kids being messed up? And I hear from parents nowadays so often how they feel like they worry that they're messing up their kids. And I'm looking around saying there is no way you're messing up your kids with everything you just told me you did. In fact, I have a story of a single mom who was worried that she was ruining her son. And I knew these two little boys she was raising at the time on her own. They were working on the farm with grandpa of all things, and the one was the younger one and that was the one she was mostly concerned with. She was just really high, strong and energetic and getting into everything. And I remember one time seeing him when I was visiting and he was actually eating dirt and here's mom worrying that this dirt was going to be such an antagonist towards him. And I'm thinking at the time it's like no, that's what kids are supposed to do. They're supposed to test things. And sure you don't want them choking on dirt and maybe you don't want them eating something in particular.

Jerry Bures: 16:36

But the real story is that this kid got into everything and finally in the teen years he did become what looked maybe like Oppositional defiance disorder, where he was just disobeying Now the husband on the scene, which is the stepfather. He was really getting mean with mom and and that's. And I got to thinking, you know, this is kind of the same thing my adopted son did with with his own mom when, when I, when I was on board and and it's see, these kids are telling you what these kids are showing this behavior and it Mean something. And another thing parents got to learn really well is to not misinterpret the things kids do. You know, because we, that's how we, that's how we, that's how we talk to them then and that's how we discipline them. And when we misinterpret it, we are, we are sending the wrong message to the kid. Anyways, this kid ended up going to college and he got through his little struggles as a teenager. He went through college, became a doctor and now he's just like respected doctor and doing well. He's got his own three kids already and he's just a failure.

Jerry Bures: 17:42

So everybody talked, you talked to, so so how did this mom Not know that this, this kid of hers, who I could tell from from looking at it from the outside in this, gives me great. I mean, you know, that's that's why we have to forget about the perfectionism along the way and Just do enough of the right things, enough of the time, and these kids are going to turn out, and so that's kind of the message that I wanted to leave people with, with not just the book, but certainly with the Institute for confident parenting, and it's. It's a. I can't tell you how much different parenting feels when you have that kind of confidence, and I admit you know my wife struggled with it a lot more than I did, there's no doubt. I think I think it's generally because men and women are different. I think we can when agree with that. But as she's looking back at it now, she also is seeing that boy. She really didn't have to worry all that worry. She did and and again. That's the message I want to leave parents.

Mr. Webb: 18:39

So parents listening that Maybe they do need more confidence, maybe they are too hard on themselves. What's one thing that you see parents commonly do right that you might have to point out to them? Is there a common thread there, you think?

Jerry Bures: 18:59

Yeah and it that's. That's kind of the line in the sand. So one of the things I see good kids that turn out. They're doing chores, they're it within the household, okay, and most of the times it's really not for any kind of a wager, you know, any kind of a monetary benefit, right, they're just help, pitching in and and understanding that they have a responsibility towards the family unit, towards keeping the house running. And when kids start Really, when these parents start these kids really early, I mean these are your best kids. I mean, like I just walked in a quick trip the other day here in the Midwest and and had that conversation with with with somebody working there, and how they were just so elated that this one guy, one younger gentleman, was working for them and he's just so positive and happy.

Jerry Bures: 19:46

And it turns out he was homeschooled and and you know he, he worked from day one and they said he's he's like he's been here 15 or 20 years already and and so and then another, another local like a fleet supply store I was in. One gal was like a manager of I forgive, a department, she called it, but they put the tags, the price tags, on all these different products in the store and I'm looking at buying something there and it had the wrong price take for the wrong company on that brand, and and I could see that and I told her and she just kind of rolled her eyes and and she goes. Kids, you know. And so it was another indication that it's hard to find. You know, kids that work with purpose. Now some of them are out there Just for the idea of having some pocket money. But but the good ones, of course, know that it's a responsibility. They have to serve customers well, not just to earn a paycheck for themselves. And so work ethic Is is a big one. It's a huge one.

Jerry Bures: 20:42

And when I talked about the line in a sand, what I meant was that Like half the population of parents is doing that and the other path doesn't see that not doing that is wrong and it's. It's almost baffling to me that they don't look around and understand that that's where it's at for kids, okay. So, for example, I think what do we see on the internet a lot? Lately I think I saw three different Gen Zers talking about why do they even, why do they have to arrive at work at a certain time? You know, when I saw that first one. It's like To me it's. I don't understand that. I think it's. I think it's first it's a joke, right, and then I start seeing hard to believe you're actually reading that or hearing that.

Jerry Bures: 21:26

Exactly. And then today even I saw another one that was talking about you know why they even have to work at all, like there should just all sudden be everybody you know should be able to pitch in, and we should have this coming where things just show up in a food pantry and everybody can just help themselves. And and it was just, it was just odd. It was. It's really odd, and and again. That's the, that's the line in the sand, that's the half. On the other side, the parents who, who are failing their kids miserably by not understanding that you could use something as simple as Chores. When this kid is at a year old, they can start helping with stuff. Right, I mean, I've got two grandkids right now and and my daughter-in-law is fantastic, help, you know, having those kids help her with stuff as soon as they possibly can, and the nice thing about that is it gets easier after that.

Jerry Bures: 22:10

I, you know, if you want to have an easy time raising kids, think early on about getting your kids involved as quick as possible, because they're eager to. First of all, right, what do kids? Another clue kids gives you when they tell you, when you're trying to help them do something, what do they say no, back away, or don't help me, or whatever. They don't want you to help them because they want to do it. So really, let's take advantage of that natural desire.

Jerry Bures: 22:33

They have to want to learn, to want to help, you know, and that's where that alone is just a huge, huge skill that parents can teach their kids. And again, I think it's our, I think it's our kids actually teach it back to us. I think the whole idea behind kids leaving us clues is that the problem with a lot of kids was parents got a lot of the good stuff taught out of them as they grew up, and so when they become adults, they kind of go to the opposite extreme and they say I don't want my kids had to suffer like I suffered. So they decide to do everything for them and give them everything that they never had. And really, that's again where a mistake is made. Our kids are here to teach us or I should say, reteach us some real lessons about life, right?

Mr. Webb: 23:25

Excuse me, I think it's a great idea. You said starting the kids young, helping out, and you know, when they're not just when they're young, when they're little, but I mean even teenagers when they first start to do something, they'll make mistakes, and that's okay. We need to be patient. I know that's something I need to work on. I'm sure my family would say is patience, but we need to be patient. They're going to make mistakes, that's okay. But that's something they need to learn too is that it's okay to make mistakes and then learn from those mistakes.

Jerry Bures: 24:00

Absolutely. And I think it's even more critical for teens, because teens are what more cognizant, you know. Their brain development is much more there. So you know there's pressures from peers when they make mistakes and so on. So if you don't start right away and you try and try and instill that when it's already, when they're later like teenagers, it's a lot harder for them to learn that because they already have this really enormous ego. But when kids are really young and they know it's normal to make mistakes and mom and dad don't think about my mistakes but they think about me trying and they're compliment me for trying hard and so on, then they don't care as much about mistakes. And you can see that in kids as well. You can see the kids who had the constant pressures on them to be perfect in their grade report or to be perfect in their athletic performance, their band performance and so on, and it's really I mean my heart just breaks when I see that, because it doesn't have to be that way. It really is a little bit of knowledge. Parents, I ain't gonna argue.

Jerry Bures: 25:03

I said a lot of us, like I said, I had an authoritarian father and I had to relearn a lot of that. In fact I actually, ironically, I relearned a lot of what we're meant to do in this life, as far as lessons and stuff and character traits, by working with kids. So back in the early day I was a big brother in a big brother's, big sister's program and I had a 10-year history with a young gentleman who we still are connected today and arguably he was equal benefit to me as I was to him, because during the time that I was a big brother I was actually going through my self-destructive years trying to figure out what my life was about and responding to my challenges that I had as a child. And so he really I say in many ways he really saved my life along the way and eternally grateful to him. But I also spent some time in daycare, volunteering with kids. These are at-risk kids 0 to 5, I think 0 to 4 and a half or so and these kids were, I mean, they had some challenges but they just, you know, you learned how to build a connection with such small kids and you realized that you know you could have an impact even when they had some struggles. So I learned how to influence kids at a young age, but they also were again, they were teaching me some things about myself along the way, like I didn't have to just be this manly man, I could also be this. You know, this person who empathizes and who can spend some you know some downtime playing. You know that's another thing about.

Jerry Bures: 26:43

Another huge lesson parents can really learn with their kids is play does two things for kids. Kids need a ton of free play, and the reasons are simple. One of them is they are healing. It's healing time for kids. It's time to disconnect from all of the pressures that they feel at all their different age levels. And the other one, and the other one, is that play is simply a way to learn. So, if you know, we talk, we want to, we want to talk constantly today in the adult world about how kids just don't know the half of what we knew at their age, and largely some of it's true, but largely it's our fault.

Jerry Bures: 27:21

A lot of us parents are taking our kids and not letting them learn. We're telling them how to do things rather than just giving them stuff to learn themselves, to figure out themselves. And it's really again I learned by working with kids right, that you know not only is it healing time for me as an adult right to help kind of fix myself, as you know from my early years, but it's also a very educational time. So I envy teachers. I mean teachers who work with kids really have it, have it made, and I get the emotional and exhaustive drain that they feel. At the end of the day, we raised a large family and I spent a lot of my time raising our kids and homeschooling them while my wife was in the hospital with her son. So I get that part of it, but I think a lot of it's going to be is what we want to focus on and we really need, you know, and I see tons of teachers doing a fantastic job. You know, you know making it about the kids, so I applaud them for that.

Mr. Webb: 28:24

Well, thank you, and it is exhausting, but it is so rewarding, you bet. And one thing I try to do with my students you kind of mentioned something about this a few minutes ago and that is I try to reward them for their effort, and not for their grade, but for their effort. And you know, some students are doing the best they can and they're barely, you know, getting by, and then others, others are given maybe less of an effort and it comes easy to them. And I try to, I try to brag on the kids that are working hard and doing what they're supposed to, regardless of what the grade is. You know, just do your best. In fact, when my kids are growing up, I would ask them you know, excuse me like maybe my son or my daughter would come home, maybe they didn't do so well on an assignment, and did you do your best? That would be my question to them.

Jerry Bures: 29:28

Well, that's all you can do is your best.

Mr. Webb: 29:30

You know, yeah, and you mentioned yeah, I didn't. And so much of what you said resonated with me as a parent and a teacher. But my son, he's 22 now and he talks about how his generation drives him nuts. You know, in a job, when people his age come in, you know to the job that he's doing and he kind of knows like, well, I hope they work. And he tells me like dad, you know people might say just, they're lazy, they don't want to work, they're. You know, they're entitled and I've always taught him, you know his first real job. He didn't even have his driver's license yet. You know we drove him. I remember what a big deal it was. You know we took pictures and videoed as we were driving away, like, oh, this is him.

Mr. Webb: 30:19

You know his first job and we all and he had jobs throughout the years that he really liked and some that he didn't like. And we told him, yeah, do your best. If you have a job that you don't like, don't just walk away and quit, but work hard, do your best. If you do that, you'll rise to the top and maybe get a better position, maybe one that you like better. But even if you don't like the job, work hard, do your best. That will help you when you go to get another job. You know, never leave a job, never burn a bridge. Yeah, even if you leave a job you don't like and you're going to get one that you like better, your boss can say yes, this young man's a hard worker and he did his best while he was here.

Jerry Bures: 31:11

Yeah, and I think again, I think it helps. It's helpful for all humans understand is that, you know, all of our tough times, all the things we don't like in life, are just as valuable to our, to our progress as a human as the times that are good, right, like our losses in a sports game, are just as good for us as our wins in the sport game. Now they feel different at the time, okay, but you know, oftentimes what we find if we reflect back is something we did in the past that we didn't like actually influenced us to do better and do something good in our life in the future. And it's a again, it's a great lesson. I mean kids, kids. The only reason kids end up becoming teenagers who quit, who end up becoming adults who quit, is because adults in their lives aren't allowing them to just continue to dig in. I mean a two or three year old will try in and again and again, often without, you know, sometimes with encouragement. And some kids are different, don't get me wrong. Right, personalities are often different in kids, but by and large, kids are just eager to keep going at it, and sometimes it's what we do and say, and even our facial features, right or gestures, that kind of start to stymie kids, and it takes a lot. But that's why we want to start early and first of all again I keep going back to we want to take care of ourselves, so we are bringing our best self to our kids, and what we can do then is we literally can get out of the way of our kids, because I think that's where the ultimate fault is from us is when we get in the way of our kids.

Jerry Bures: 32:55

Normal progress, yeah, and in fact I had a daughter too. She's a hard worker. All my kids. They did lots of work crews for different youth groups and stuff. So they're all real good workers. Their employers all love them, of course, as you would anticipate, but recently too, she had quit one job and went to another one, and now she's finding out that this job isn't the greener grass on the other side of the fence than she thought it was. And again, you're right. I encourage her to stick with it, at least for a time frame, because you're going to learn something, not just about life, but about yourself and about other people. So ultimately, it was about people, the reason she quit the other job, but now she's finding out that it wasn't as bad as she anticipated, because she's got some new awareness of other people. But it is a great life lesson when you get practice with something you don't like so you can learn something and move on to something you do like.

Mr. Webb: 34:04

Well, I ask you, what's one thing parents do right? And you said giving them chores, giving them and teaching them responsibility. The flip side of that question is and this is not meant to be negative or beat anybody down, but for folks that kind of want to see their faults, or is there something I can do better? What's a common mistake you see parents make that might harm their child's self-esteem or growth?

Jerry Bures: 34:34

Yeah, one of my favorite is what my dad did with us and what I just refuse to do with my kids, and that is criticism. Criticism is like the devil when it comes to self-esteem. It crushes kids' self-esteem. And in fact I put that as one of my early chapters too chapter five, I believe and the story talks about a mom who wasn't getting along with her daughter. She's a single mom and they were having arguments all the time and this is common, right, dads fight with sons, mom fights with daughters largely. And anyway, she finally got so fed up with it she grabbed the mailbox and said, okay, each had a mailbox. And so then for a whole week they wanted to put a note in each person's mailbox about something that they thought about the person that week on different occasions. And so at the end of the week the mom opened up or the daughter opened up all hers and all the notes in there were about all the notes in there, about things she could have did better. Right, mom said she left clothes on the floor, she didn't shut the toilet seat, and so on and so forth. And of course the mom opens up her mailbox and all the things in there says mom, I love you, I appreciate you and I'm happy for you, I'm glad you did all those things for me, and so on.

Jerry Bures: 35:57

And so the lesson, of course, is that we really need to look past the thing people's faults, because we are humans by definition. Right, we're flawed, okay, and it doesn't mean we don't have some systems in place. But we should be coaching more gently. We should be looking what are they teaching the business world? Largely okay. You start with the highlight. You highlight people's things that did well. You show what people did well, so they don't just feel like the only thing you see is the things they fail in. Right, and so our language does matter, of course, but we really need to try and just stop this constant criticism of kids because, again, if we think we fail at times, if we think we struggle with life at times, you got to imagine a brain that it doesn't really fully develop, right, the neurons don't quite connect until 25. These kids are learning, they're trying to figure this all out, and so they're going to really struggle. And when they hear nothing, but you did this wrong and why can't you do anything right? Or why do I have to keep reminding you? I've told my wife for so many times I said, yes, you just keep reminding them, right, and on some point you can put consequences in place, right, that they'll start to be a little more motivated to handle it because there's a consequence. I mean, that's how we deal with it. But for parents that find they don't criticize so much, that they just find things kids do, well, in fact, why not have that mailbox all year round and put notes in it about things kids do right and then just kind of watch them transform?

Jerry Bures: 37:34

Les Brown had a great quote that I remember years back. He said look at a man the way that he is and he only becomes worse, but look at him as if he were what he could be. Then he becomes what he should be. And it is hard to do, don't get me wrong. I mean, we all fail at times with our kids. But it's worth studying this stuff a little deeper, it's worth learning it a little bit more and then applying it in our lives. And I'm telling you, when you do finally apply it, it's almost like magic. And what that tells me is that that's the way it's meant to be and that's that joy in parenting kids, that's that having fun when you're parent kids that I'm talking about. When you start to do more of these things right, it just gets more fun and your kids actually are more fun to be around Other people outside the home like them.

Jerry Bures: 38:28

One of the other things I like to tell parents is never gauge your success in building your kid by what you see at home, because too often or not, when we're on the battlefield in our own little home, we do see the negatives, we do see a lot of the bad times and that's not really what this kid is becoming.

Jerry Bures: 38:51

That's just a moment in time when your kids are out and about and they're working for an employer, they're spending time in a youth group on a mission trip, or they're at the nature center at a team's volunteer program and they're sharing time with other peers and other educators. When those people give you feedback that, oh, your kid is wonderful, your kid is so helpful, your kid is so compassionate and understanding oh my gosh, are they such a hard worker? Those are the kinds of things you need to look at and say OK, so what I'm saying and doing at home is getting through. I'm just not always seeing it at home Right, and to me that's a big misunderstanding a lot of parents have with their relationship with their kids. It's not as bad as they think it is.

Mr. Webb: 39:40

Now the podcast, the conservative classroom, and, as you probably suspected, my listeners are primarily teachers and parents, so I wanted to definitely get into homeschooling a little bit. You homeschooled all six of your children, is that right?

Jerry Bures: 40:00

We did homeschool all six of them.

Mr. Webb: 40:03

What is it like homeschooling six children?

Jerry Bures: 40:06

Yeah, that's a good question. Well, it was a classroom, to say the least. So, basically, our history with homeschooling is we pulled our kids out of school when my youngest was graduating first grade and we had been thinking about it for a while, but the impetus was. What we learned with our special needs son again is very convincing. We let him give us clues and one of the clues was that nutrition is where health is at, physical health is at, not medicines. So we're strong advocates to eating well, supplementing when necessary and it's no surprise our food supplies today are very heavily processed and not as nutritional. Anyways, so we supplemented him and in fact he should not be alive today because of his condition. Other peers that he was with back in the day, they are dead and have passed because it's just a body can't survive under normal conditions, or I should say under the mainstream medical solutions today. And in fact, so we ended up. My wife was very strong advocate for him and we end up getting a lot of different supplements in his diet. And this is all leading up to a pretty big point with our other kids and so. So, anyways, so our kids, when our youngest daughter was finishing up first grade, her first grade teacher. When we had that year end visit, she came to us and told us that boy, next year we really think you need to get your daughter on ADHD medication. She just won't sit still. So at that time, as you can imagine one or two things I knew. I knew a couple of things. One is I knew that I'm a very energetic guy even at 58 years old, and she and I was a very energetic boy and she was a very energetic girl. Okay, so I immediately rejected notion that she needed any medication.

Jerry Bures: 42:03

Ultimately, psychologists are. Some psychologists are even writing that when kids can move around, they learn better, and so that's kind of the epitous for homeschooling. For a lot of homeschooling parents today is they the kids need to be actively doing stuff, not sitting in a seat in a classroom. Okay, because a lot of the kids simply learn better that way. So that was, that was our, our cue or our clue from this teacher that we needed to pull our kids out and basically determine their education.

Jerry Bures: 42:34

At this point, no hard feelings. We get that not everybody can homeschool Totally. I wish they could. I think parents would. Parents would do better. They would. Kids would do better. Parents would enjoy their relationships with their kids better we would have. We wouldn't have this problem with kids not not working for employers like the past generations did. The entitlements wouldn't be there. You know, if you and you, you can go online and follow many, many different Instagram accounts, for example, of people who homeschool their kids and, in fact, they show you as these kids are thriving by getting outdoors more, and so that's what we did with our kids for homeschooling.

Jerry Bures: 43:19

We just spent a lot of time. We used 4-H as a way to homeschool them. We counted all that time they spent doing doing projects, doing service, community service in the community. You know, we spent a lot of time helping people out. We spent a lot of time fundraising, but certainly getting out in nature. We used, in fact, we had a nature center locally in Irritown that had a volunteer program and our kids helped in there for years and they they not only loved it, but the kids just learned so much, and again, we use that as part of our of our curriculum. You know, and there's the nice thing about our state is you can use any kind of learning as long as you're logging it and counting the hours and so on. It's really a great. You know, that's what I like about homeschooling. It leaves the flex, it leaves enough flexibility there for parents to determine this. Now there are completely drawn up programs you can follow to a T, certainly, and we did do that for a couple of our kids when they got older, like teenagers, because they needed a little more disciplined kind of approach. But we got to choose the curriculum and you know it was home. So homeschooling for us, I thought, was very easy. And again, what it did for for us in our particular example was is you know, I'm already going to be home with them. Why not? Why not homeschool them? That was when I was already starting to do some writing and stuff. So, but we used all kinds of different things and in fact our kids got off and started doing paid work time with employers in their early teen years. To us that was a big deal. I think.

Jerry Bures: 44:58

Again, using chores and or work as a way to homeschool kids, teach them, teach them about life financially. You know they don't even teach finances in school, or at least totally, very minimal what I'm told now. And yet we, we put in some different financial courses that they could learn, which, if you think about it, if a parent just takes a look at all of those really big, big ticket items in life that people struggle with right relationships, finances, physical health how much of that gets taught in school? How much of the ABC, or actually the three hours of the four hours, how much of that is would actually trump these other things that cause people the most grief in life? Right, clearly none of them.

Jerry Bures: 45:48

If you want to get jobs, sure, you need to do some basic math and you need to be able to communicate, so you've got to learn some English and maybe some alternative languages. And of course, there's some science they love anyways, because it's just neat, it's a neat learning time for them and it's helpful to know some geography and certainly some history, local as well as national and, of course, world. But I would say these other things that homeschoolers use that I'm seeing a lot of homeschoolers use too now is so much more valuable for these kids. Our kids learned animal husbandry, not just in 4-H, but we had our own little farm at and that alone is huge right, nature you're out in nature, animals animals are also very you know, when you can take care of another living, breathing being, it's really. Those are high impact items for kids, and so I'm a strong advocate of homeschooling.

Jerry Bures: 46:52

And again, I understand most people can't. But I do also understand that if there are parents out there who are towing the line or sitting on the fence and just not sure if they can do it, but resources today are so much greater, easier and again, scrap perfectionism, you know you've got some flexibility in how you record and teach homeschooling, so just do it because it's going to be better for your kids. If you're undecided and again, if you can't feasibly do it, obviously don't. But on that note, that's always evolving, too right.

Jerry Bures: 47:32

One of the mistakes I see parents make about things like homeschooling is they feel like they can't do it because they aren't available. But what about? One thing we need to get better at, parents is asking for help. In past generations and certainly other societies, families all still live together, families have communes or families helped each other, and why, all of a sudden, that we have to be so independent to where it's hurting us and hurting our families? I'm not sure where that came from Messaging from somebody, but certainly not you guys in the conservative classroom, certainly not me with the Institute for Confident Parenting, among others. We, as parents, need to start understanding that who we get our messaging from is a big deal in today's world, and I'm here to tell you, homeschooling could turn lives and families around further better.

Mr. Webb: 48:33

I've learned so much about homeschooling since I started the podcast just a few months ago oh cool. I learned that it's not kids sitting at home with textbooks going through. I'm going to spend an hour on math and then we're going to do an hour of reading and I'm going to start reading like traditional school is structured. And one of the, I guess criticisms that you would hear about homeschooling is well, the kids are at home, they're not socialized, it's not getting them ready to go out into the real world. And, as I'm learning and again reminded of when I hear you talk about homeschooling, we as parents learn more real world life skills and have more real life, real world experience than public school students do.

Jerry Bures: 49:27

Yeah, hands down. Again. We used 4-H. 4-h is a great example of how you can refute the notion that homeschool kids don't get any socializing. I mean, first of all, our kids obviously did, because we had what's five in the home, six in the home that we're homeschooling and one is nonverbal. But we used 4-H, like I said earlier, and they of course have speaking contests, demonstration contests, all kinds of opportunities for these kids to interact amongst community, amongst peers. They played a local co-ed softball for recreation, not for competitiveness but for recreation. It was fun, the kids engaged each other.

Jerry Bures: 50:09

Now what we found in our own family is there's still this notion that kids have different personalities. So we still have like. One of my adult sons is just not as sociable because it's his personality. In fact he's a lot like I was as a kid. I was almost socially phobic and I had to learn over time and with experience before I kind of realized that people aren't as harsh as I thought they were or had experience with my dad, for example. And that's what he's learning. He's learning that even though his personality trait is that he's shy, he can bust out of that. He's much better today than he was obviously during his younger years Because he got a lot of practice speaking in 4-H.

Jerry Bures: 50:59

He got a lot of practice doing demonstrations. He played high school sports for a bit, even as home schoolers now in our state Actually my brother-in-law he was able to get us the ability to play in school sports as home schoolers in high school, so that's a good sign that things are evolving for four kids. That was a great opportunity for him when he ran cross-country with his peers. But yeah, socializing is a non-issue today anymore and, on the other hand, if you have a single child at home, you might say, okay.

Jerry Bures: 51:32

Well, there's going to be a problem. For me it doesn't have to be. You do have to look outside your home for opportunities in the community to get your kids some extra socializing. You can't just leave for the chance of a course.

Mr. Webb: 51:49

And there's home school co-ops also. That's options for a lot of folks where your home school but you're not going to be able where your home school. But you also you know you're interacting with other kids and they have a tutor in certain areas that they might need a tutor in.

Jerry Bures: 52:07

So we actually had lots of options out there.

Jerry Bures: 52:11

Yeah, we actually did a home school group with some folks for several years and it was an opportunity for moms and dads actually to get together to and socialize and to get out of the home and the kids all socialize. We went to libraries, went to gymnasiums, nature trips. It really just requires a different type of planning. I mean, if you think home schooling will be so complicated, I'm here to tell you, when our kids were in school, it was so much harder to manage as far as I'm concerned, just because they did all the curriculum. There was so much else to go on and maybe some of it had to do with our special needs. Sons was in certain, you know, like IEP programs and stuff like that.

Jerry Bures: 52:50

But largely I think it's because schools complicate the learning process, you know, with all the academics, and I'm suggesting that we as parents, we can like pare down you know how kids learn and make it so much easier. Like you alluded to earlier, put a lot more you know of the field trips and outdoor activities and stuff. Put a lot of that, more of that into their curriculum. In fact, I think I read a couple months ago how more and more schools are actually applying like a nature program or actually out in nature. They take their classrooms out in nature now and it's totally you know 100%. They spend the time in nature and learning all their subject materials outdoors and that's not just fascinating, that's totally intelligence. Hats off to those adults who got it going and it's growing. So you know they're onto something right. They know what we know as homeschoolers.

Mr. Webb: 53:53

I feel like we have given a lot of good advice or pointed out a lot of good things. Parents could do, some things they already are doing right, that they need to recognize Some things and some advice, maybe that they could do a little bit better. But what's something you've learned or written about through your writing and through your experience in homeschooling and mainly as a parent of six children, some advice that you could give that would be good for teachers.

Jerry Bures: 54:31

Hmm, yeah, you know so, with teachers, my overriding thought is I have nothing but praise for them in that you know a lot of, I know a lot of kids have some struggles at home. We happen to live in a in an air in a more remote area where a lot of families struggle, like with drug addiction and stuff like that, and so we know in fact I was volunteering with a group here, a Christian youth group, where a lot of these are at-risk kids and it's as bad as you might hear in the media with regard to that. So I know a lot of teachers are kind of what they're kind of the fall back mentor for these kinds of kids and really kids, you know. So it's easier to become their mentor because kids are looking for something better than what they have at home.

Mr. Webb: 55:22

Right.

Jerry Bures: 55:24

But but as far, I mean, as far as teachers, what's one thing they could maybe do better? I, I guess, I guess, understanding. I mean I got a, I got a one or two chapters in my book about understanding others and not being so judgmental about others, and so so teachers probably, you know, I think teachers are generally the kind of caring type type of people, but I have seen some lately who had gotten, who are starting to get more judgmental about parents who are struggling. I mean, we don't know people's back stories, we don't know their histories or how they grew up, we don't know what kinds of things life dealt them and and I think we've got to give people the benefit of the doubt and just, instead of, instead of judging a lot of these parents harshly for their failings, just stay with the kids, you know, just make it about the kids.

Jerry Bures: 56:26

How do we, how do we keep these kids from becoming what their parents are Maybe, for example, right they, they and really kids are kind of. It's kind of strange. I mean, I think tons and tons of movies and real life examples where kids are pretty. You know, they don't like people judging their parents. They get a kind of offensive when you attack their parents, because even when parents aren't treating their kids well, kids are pretty loyal and and, by and large, and until maybe it gets really bad.

Jerry Bures: 56:59

So it's actually in our best interest to just, you know, empathize with the kids and and and understand that our job isn't to tell them they live in such a bad place, but rather, you know, just be a sounding board if they need a place to go or call you know, when things get too much for their little, for their brains to handle, or, you know, be, be that maybe that surrogate parent, all doing all these things that we talked about today, that that moms and dads probably aren't doing at home, and what you'll find is that's how you save, you know, that's how you save kids, you know it's.

Jerry Bures: 57:37

You know, and I know that's probably the hardest thing for a human to do is to not judge others. I think on some level we do it to kind of boost our own image, our own esteem, and to kind of pat ourselves on the back, because we knew how much work it takes to live life with high character, right, but but it is essential that we try and, you know, tap ourselves every day, you know, task ourselves with, with not judging others so harshly, and I think with teachers to parents, we really have got to not take that road because it doesn't serve the kids very well at all.

Mr. Webb: 58:18

So, so as we, as we're wrapping things up, I usually end the episode with a key takeaway. So and this is a tough question sometimes for folks but what's the one thing you want the listener to remember, if they don't remember anything else about this episode, Jerry?

Jerry Bures: 58:40

That would be self care without a doubt. And I, I, you know, as time goes on, I can't say enough how self care saved my life, first of all, but certainly helped me become that, that father that I dreamed about when I was 14. You know, like I said, I spent a lot of years doing personal development, listening to audio DVDs over and over again, and really that was an effort in reprogramming my brain from what my father drilled into it. So I had to reprogram it and I think I think on some level we all need to just recognize that if we don't give ourselves some time, some nurturing, we are simply not going to be able to be there, you know, for our kids.

Jerry Bures: 59:22

And think about these like, think about like parents that aren't there for the kids in a severe case like fentanyl addiction, right, or our dad ends up or mom ends up in jail because of, you know, dealing in drugs or something like that. It's the. It's the severe case of where we're just not there for our kids. But on a smaller level, right, sometimes we snap at our kids and and or maybe often sometimes we say things we don't really notice that it hurtful, but it is to the kid. We. Those are the things we need to recognize, and we can't recognize those kinds of day to day things unless we are coming to the table with our best self. So self care, without a doubt, is my favorite, my favorite tool in a parent's toolbox. Hands down.

Mr. Webb: 1:00:09

Yeah, I think that's great advice. That's great advice for parents and teachers, I think, and for everybody, great For all of us. Jerry, can you share with our listeners where they can find more information about the Institute for Confident Pairing your book, any upcoming projects you have, any other books that you might have, and how they connect with you on social media? So this is your time to plug and promote anything you want to.

Jerry Bures: 1:00:41

Yes, well, thanks for that. So so briefly, I have been running a Facebook business page for several years now called Facebookcom slash Institute for Confident Parenting, and on there I just I've been sharing some stuff. So I'm just kind of getting started with my own website though, and so I do have a website though, and and it's called www. instituteforconfidentparenting. com, and there you'll find help yourself. I've got a free report on there called The Seven C's of a Confident Parent," talking about some things like confidence and consideration and charitableness and competence and so on, and just a little starter page for parents to really zoom in on in real brief ways and an easy and easy way to get started with your kids. You can grab a copy of that no charge at all, and then on there I also have a link to my book, or you can go to Amazoncom. Just search my name, jerry Burrs, or you can also search for the title when Kids Leave Clues, and and of course, in the book towards the end, you'll also get some information on how to get ahold of me.

Jerry Bures: 1:01:59

And really I'm just getting started about with my website and stuff. So that's you know. I expect that to evolve quite a bit over time. I've got some visions for it. We we've had a little hold up here in our family again. Our son after six years, so eventually after 10 years, he had a deep brain stimulator installed and that got him out of his medical crises. So we had six good years with him and then recently we also had he somehow had something go wrong with his DBS on one side and so now he's back to having some hospitalizations and stuff and so I've been a little that's okay and it is what it is.

Jerry Bures: 1:02:40

And so long story to say that I'm just I'm a little busy trying to handle both now at this time, so be patient with me with my website.

Mr. Webb: 1:02:50

And I'll make sure and include links to your website, to the Facebook page, and I'm an Amazon affiliate, so I'll include a link to the book and I encourage folks to buy the book. If they do, you'll be helping Jerry out and you'll be helping out The Conservative Classroom, so it's a win-win all the way around there. So thank you so much for joining us today, Jerry. It's been a total pleasure having you on The Conservative Classroom. I know our listeners appreciate your insights on parenting and homeschooling. Thank you so much.

Jerry Bures: 1:03:28

Yes, it's been my pleasure to join. Thanks.

Mr. Webb: 1:03:32

That's it for today's episode of The Conservative Classroom. Thank you for tuning in and I hope you enjoyed it and learned something. If you liked what you heard, please don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform. That would really help the podcast out. Most importantly, share this podcast with a like-minded educator, parent or patriot. You can also connect with us on social media and share your thoughts on today's topic by sending me an email at TheConservativeClassroom@gmail. com. I'd love to hear from you.

Mr. Webb: 1:04:09

If you feel that education without indoctrination and teaching the truth is important to preserve traditional values, then support my efforts to keep the conservative classroom running. I'm a full-time teacher and dad and part-time podcaster. I invest a lot of hours at my own hard-earned money each week to bring you quality content, but I need your help. Check out the links in the show notes and on the website to support the podcast with a one-time or recurring monthly donations. Every little bit helps.

Mr. Webb: 1:04:45

You can also visit our merch store to get your own clothing, coffee mugs, stickers, backpacks, book bags and more with the conservative classroom logo or one of our many other conservative slogans, such as "Age Appropriate Does Not Equal Banning Books. Defund the Teacher's Unions. Keep Politics Out of the Classroom and More. If you want to support common sense and education without pushing your politics, check out our products with the Red Schoolhouse logo on it. We know it's hard to be openly conservative in some school districts, but your silent show of support will let you know that you are doing the right thing. Until next time, this is, Mr Webb, reminding you that you are not alone. See you next time on the conservative classroom, Teaching the Truth, Preserving Our Values.